how it really started...

Upon the tides of time they traveled, the doctor and her unwilling accomplice she kept locked in a dark cell beneath the time-ship. To and fro they sailed through decades and millennia, epochs and eons in search of the knowledge that would bring the doctor unmatched power. For power was all the doctor craved and with it she would reform the universe in her image.

And everything was all like rotoscoped and shit. It looked totally fucking sweet.

But with a sudden lurch and a thundering wail the time-ship fell to the Earth, crashing in the time of the dinosaur. With her ship nigh destroyed and options growing fewer by the second, the doctor released her prisoner from his cell to help in the repair. She feared not his escape, knowing full well that no man could survive alone in this wild land. Alas, pride be her downfall for the man, choosing freedom over safety, made his escape into the dino infested jungle. Not wanting to loose her human companion, the doctor unleashed a robot army that she happened to own to track him down.

The man ran for hours with robots in hot pursuit until stumbling upon a Tyrannosaur feasting on a fresh kill. Oh, but this was not the end of this fellow's journey. Fearing death, the man dove behind a tree, making a narrow escape. But the Tyrannosaur must needs protect his kill. So they danced for some time until only the slightest bit of will remained in the man's weary bones. It was then he fell to the ground, ready to be devoured. The Dino reared up and gave a mighty "RAAAAAWR!!"

Then fell.


The spear had borne a hole twixt the beast's devil eyes and blood began to soak the earth around its corpse. The man, although saved, found himself surrounded. Everywhere he looked, anachronistic cavemen stood leaning on their spears, staring at the strange future-man. And once again, the man was a captive.

The Neanderthals led their prisoner to the towering pyramid they made their home. It stood taller than the trees and wider at base than anything the man had ever seen in all of his travels. But the true magnificence of the structure lied in its horror. For the entire building was made of the bones of the dead... and glue. Atop the pyramid, the man came face to face with the leader of the cavemen, the mighty Queen Sarah. She was a stunning, dark beauty with totally rockin' tits and a fuckin' laser.

"Your hot," he said to her.

"You're grammar sucks," she replied.

"Let's do it."


And they did it with their sex parts.

Suddenly swarms of robot-army descended upon the pyramid in a fury of lasers and mechanized kung fu. The Neaderthals fell in droves before the throng of techno warriors until reaching the Dino Queen. But the Queen had a trick up her sleeve. She pulled out her bitchin' guitar and began destroying the machinations with her sonic ire.

But the sinister doctor, seeing her minions fall at the feet of the glorious she-warrior, challenged Sarah to the thrash off the likes of which would echo through eternity. Their fingers blazed in a fiery flurry until, unable to contain the sheer bad-assery that was the thrash, the doctor's boobs exploded. The explosion leveled the world, taking with it every beast of land and air to the deepest darkest pits of hell! All was destoryed save Sarah, her ax and the time traveling man. With Sarah's army of cavemen destroyed and a time-ship at their disposal the two explored the histories, not for power or glory, but in order to create the perfect fart joke.

Take heed this tale and drink in its lesson for that unwilling accomplice was me... and now I make internet shit. Enjoy.

Hugs and kisses,

(note: some of the facts in this report have been embellished, altered and made the fuck up.)​